07/30/2019

my mind is without a clue on what to do
yesterday my stomach was sick
I have my fears but I don't care
I can't focus on school
At the park, the closeness, the laughs, the smiles
It did my stomach good.
The thunder calls, the basketball.
Without medicine, it did the trick.

07/30/2019

It sinks in.

Like a dead fucking whale.
Hollow of guts and bottom

What am I doing?


I felt nerves a week straight but when they're gone what does that mean?
I hope it won't be the same as before.
---
Let's be real for a second. Realistic. I am crazy for this.
A boy? Really? Uncalled for. Your plans for a wife? Maybe fucked. To never get pregnant? Fucked too. Why was he the exception? Oh god. There's so much reworking I have to do. In a way I want this done and over with. But admit it, sister. You may stupidly love this guy. That shit breaks my heart.

Why him?

09/21/2019

Yesterday. Last night.
Your eyes were beautiful. Without finishing your sentence, you answered a million questions.
To feel so much pain and anguish for one person has taught me to fall into trust and love. Aimlessly, blindly. I can now say, I am not sick. I am enamored by the one I love. I trust you won't use me as the ones who have. I trust that I won't be a tool for pleasure or self beneficial plans. I trust you love me just a I love you but your approach for expression is different from mine. And that's fine. I'm willing to accept you of your willing to accept me.
I can't say it enough.
I trust you.
Please. I beg you. Keep.your.word.
Don't go anywhere, not without me.
I would end this but I can't stop thinking about it.
The long pause.
...
I felt too nervous about your answer and your tears. I had to fill the silence. But you had to answer first.
Because you promised honesty, I waited. My heart dug a hole in my chest when you couldn't contain your emotions. I squeezed your right arm. I needed to grab onto you for both of our comforts. Your voice rose and fell, then broke, then pushed its way through the tightness of your chest. I could hardly keep myself from ugly crying when you told me to look at you. But when I finally did, my brain felt like it had melted. My lungs had filled with water.
My tears were fucking endless. And then you spoke again. And I saw redness in your eyes and my throat caught on fire. So much was happening. I had forgotten why i was so sad and wanted so desperately to stop you from crying. I would have traded my soul to see just one of your tears to fall to the tips of my fingers as I held your face.
Your kiss is what saved me. It was the air I needed to catch my breath.
Just know,I could never forget that day. Even now, I'm crying as if it happened 5 mins ago. No matter what happens, I know you are my first love.

PARA MI AMOR

PARA MI AMOR