I was born here

I was born here too

I always feel like I'm in between places, always in transition, never a fixed point in time

I shouldve died here, I think in another life I did

Theres a version of me still out there that probably never left

Sometimes what's inside my head feels more real than whats around me. I'm in two places at once

I've been here before

right here

you are here

are you still here?

“I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.”

Did you eat today?

I have what seems like deja vu all the time, but it's flashes of images that I can't seem to grasp but feel so familiar, like just forgetting a dream. it happens when I'm awake. Maybe someone is calling me from another point in time

I've lived in this building for three years. I've lived in this city for like 10 years. I've changed a lot in this window of time. where will i be in another three years? Where will you be, besides here?

or I watch too many movies and confuse them with my own memory

Sometimes it's hard to accept the things I cannot change

ARE YOU STILL YOU NOW ?

being a girl and expressing femininity are two different things to me. i always felt since i was little that being a girl was a performance and i was trying to convince myself and everyone around me it was true.

March 19th, 2025
I went to work. my best friend was recently hired. I came home and An was working on music. we worked on our websites side by side. I showered, fed the cats, talked to my mom on the phone. Rocket came over for band practice. She gave us tattoos afterward. my tattoo is a safety pin that says GAY and An's tattoo is her grandmother's name over her heart.

March 20th, 2025

I went to work, and through text was arguing back and forth with someone all day about our relationship and the dynamics of it changing and our communication style changing. I feel like expectations are often placed on me that i dont understand. am i missing something? im not having these conversations often with people in my life but it happens on occasion where i let people down. but im not a concept or some manic pixie dream bitch. i think people have an idealized version of me that im unaware im in competition with and cant seem to win. expectations are unrealized resentments. the argument is still going on as i write this. I also worked on the playlist today for the sounds of cinema show on sunday. i picked up An from work, we are still working on these web pages. the argument with my friend has come to an end, and we decided some space is needed at this time. I wonder when we will speak again.

Actually, I've been told by my family that i am not good at communicating. my history shows that i havent been the best at opening up. i used to let things build and build until i cant take it anymore. my divorce was a shock, me coming out was a shock, me admitting im an alcoholic and how it was ruining my life was a shock. they just wanted to understand me and i wouldnt let them. probably out of fear of rejection. they were so scared for me. i think i thought i could get ahead of it and just force them to accept things without opening up about it. i know now they were always going to accept me and the decisions i make. they just wanted to know what was going on with me. i feel so bad being so closed off. i hope my mom and my brother know i am trying and i know im still not the best at it, but im trying so hard. history also tells me i will self isolate and try to figure everything out on my own. they just want to be there for me. why am i so afraid of that? i used to self isolate in relationships too. i think i understand more now what love is supposed to look like for me. with someone, and without someone.

this is where i will die. but i married again, the woman of my dreams, we have a kid, i still schedule phone calls with Dana to talk about movies, im sober but relapsed at some point - life is just like that - theres so much more i want to tell you, but youll just have to find out on your own

from the void,
-R

I hope we are still friends

i started to become obsessed with movies when i was 17. i had a friend who worked at blockbuster and would walk home from his shift and leave movies for me to watch outside my window. the last week of senior year, i just stopped sleeping and watched movies as often as i could. i think thats why i think some images from film are from my own dreams or my own memory. I recall this scene from Akira Kurosawa's Dreams and often think ive been there before.

I would sleep over at my best friends house and after she fell asleep, i would take her laptop into the closet and watch movies in there until 5am

This is where i lived when i was 17

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond any experience,

your eyes have their silence

nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)